This is just a parody of Hamlet I wrote for a laugh. This is not too funny but I did my best.
NOTE: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED AND/OR A WHINY CRYBABY. THERE IS VIOLENCE AND MILD LAUNGUAGE. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
(Night-time. Hamlet is asleep. He is fully clothed and fidgeting in his sleep)
Hamlet: Looks like another victory to me…zzz
(The ghost of Hamlet’s Father appears)
Ghost: Hamlet! Waken!
Hamlet: (In his sleep) Five more minutes, Mum…zzz
(The ghost sighs. He then goes under the bed. Silent pause. A Ghostly hand suddenly shoots up through the mattress and Hamlet’s chest. He screams and sits up)
Hamlet: I’m awake! I’m AWAKE!
(The ghost re-appears)
Ghost: About time! Now listen carefully…your Uncle Claudious snuck up on me as I slept…
Hamlet: That sounded to horrible then…
Ghost: SHUT UP! And let me explain…
Hamlet: All right! All right! Go on…
Ghost: Now, where was I…okay. Your Uncle Claudious snuck up on me and used Ear Poison…
Hamlet: (Grinning) Where?
Ghost: In my ear! Claudious put Ear Poison in my ear so he could take the house and marry your mother!
Hamlet: That was one hell of a night! The marriage had a good party and when they went into their bedroom, you could hear their shenanigans from a mile away (Laughs)
Ghost: Why you?!
(He tries to hit Hamlet but his hands go through him)
Ghost: (Sighing) But I need your help…I cannot rest until I am avenged…
Hamlet: Why would I help? You treated me so badly when you were alive…
Ghost: (Begging eyes) You’ll get the throne and you’ll be a famous hero. ! Your name will go down in History!
Hamlet: A name in history as a famous hero…I’ll do it!
Ghost: Thank You!
Hamlet: I’m not doing it for you…I’m doing it for me
(The ghost looks upset and vanishes)
Hamlet: Now to get to work…
(The throne room. A Play is going on. Claudious and the Queen are watching. Hamlet is thinking about how he is going to find out if Claudious is the killer and how he is going to get famous if he is the killer. The play ends)
Queen: Oh I do hope that this play cheers Hamlet up. It is cheering me up.
Claudious: Oh, I am sure that my dear bro is in a better place…he also doesn’t know that I score with his wife every single night (smiles)
(The queen giggles)
Play Director: Now for our next performance…but this may make people confess their secrets without control
(Claudious looks scared)
Hamlet: This room, Murder of the king and ear poison!
Play Director: Done!
Claudious: Do you feel ill? I feel ill…
(He gets up but the queen makes him sit back down)
Hamlet: This play is my only hope into getting into Claudious’s conscience...
Claudious: My conscience?
Hamlet: Dude! You’re not meant to hear me! I was doing a monologue!
Claudious: Fine! (To himself) Better keep my mind away from the boy…
(On stage, the play director is Hamlet’s Father, his assistant is the queen and his son is the murderer. ‘Hamlet’s Father’ is asleep as the murderer approaches. He then starts to pour a lot of fake Ear Poison into the ‘King’s’ ear)
Claudious: Whoa! I didn’t use that much!
(everyone including the Play Director, gasp)
Claudious: (Thinking quickly) for the bear…I had to kill a bear!
Hamlet: (To himself) Dad was right finally! A chance!
(House hallway)
Hamlet: (Hurrying) I have to warn Mum…
(He runs into her room)
Hamlet: Mum! Claudious is a murderer! He killed my father!
(There is movement behind the curtains)
Hamlet: (Getting a sword out) Stand back…Here I come, Claudious!
(A scream is heard and a familiar figure falls on the floor…dying)
Hamlet: Pelonious?! What were you doing?
Pelonious: (Weakly) I like to watch your mother…Horatio…
Horatio: Yes, my father?
Pelonious: Do me a big father and avenge me…(Dies)
Horatio: Yes, man!
(Claudious smiles evilly)
(Ball room)
Claudious: (To himself) Even if Horatio is beaten…I have poisoned the food, the drapes and my two servants over there…
Slave 1: Yeah…we’re deadly!
Slave 2: Hamlet touches us, he’s dead
Both Slaves: Yeah!
(The slap each other a high five, groan in pain, turn pale and fall over…dead)
Claudious: (Slapping his forehead) Morons…
(Horatio and Hamlet walk in)
Horatio: I am ready to win…but I would rather not
(He stabs himself and dies. Hamlet laughs and approaches Claudious)
Claudious: (Scared) Hamlet…maybe you would like something to eat or a feel of the drapes…
Hamlet: Time for my fame, Claude!
(He stabs Claudious in the chest. Claudious groans as he collapses)
Claudious: Remember me, Hamlet… (Dies)
Hamlet: Now for fame to befall me!
(He starts to walk off proudly but he suddenly slips on some blood on the floor)
Hamlet: Oops…bloodied floor!
(He lands on his head, the impact killing him)
Ghost: (suddenly appearing) HA! In your face, Hamlet! (Laughs and disappears for good)
(The queen walks in and gasps)
Queen: I am not cleaning this up!
(She picks up a mace and hits herself in the face, killing her self and falling on the floor)
Narration: And so, everyone ended up dying…but who took the throne…I have no idea…
(Fades out to Ray Coon who is sitting at a desk with a book. It turns she was narrating the story the whole time)
Ray Coon: (Closing the book) And that’s the end of that story…now get the (Beep) out of my house!
(Fade out to indicate the real end)
